So I'm going to be
straight up honest here, and most likely long-winded! I have been nothing
but blessed beyond belief in my limited lifetime. That may come as
somewhat of a surprising statement for those of you who know me. For those
who don't, let me tell you why the others may be thinking I'm a bit nuts to say
that. I was born with a terminal illness -- specifically cystic fibrosis.
In a nutshell, it's a genetic disease that affects proteins of certain
cells, causing an extra amount of sticky mucous to clog and damage your lungs,
pancreas, etc., Because of this all CFers (as we like to be called), have
extra salty skin, and most of us don't digest food properly on our own, so we
have to eat almost double what a normal person eats in a day. Yes, you
read all that right. I am, in fact, an X-Man. I have visibly salty
skin and can eat whatever I want, as much as I want. I call myself the
NaCL Bottomless Pit-Girl.
Unfortunately, for most of us CFers, those interesting positives don't outweigh the negatives. when I was born, the life expectancy of a newborn with CF was somewhere in the late teens. Today, thanks to awesome medical researchers and the tireless efforts of generations of doctors, that number is now in the 40s. Amazing, right? And that's just the average. For me personally, my expectancy is likely much longer than that. By the grace of God I've retained more than 90% of my lung function, which in medical terms, means I still don't technically even have diseased lungs yet (to be considered as having lung disease your numbers have to be less than 80%).
And did I mention I've given birth to two babies? Since children born fifty years ago with CF weren't expected to live longer than a decade, and when I was born, not expected to make it to college, CF women having babies is a very new concept and a phenomenon that is still being studied and understood more every day, so for a CF patient to have one is sort of a minor miracle. Two -- astonishing.
So... I'm married to an amazing man (read my previous posts if you don't believe me), I have two beautiful and healthy daughters, I have a job I love, and I'm almost perfectly healthy. I should be 100% content and grateful to sail off into the sunset in my perfectly harmonious life, right?
WRONG....
Here's why--
We really struggled to get pregnant with our first baby. It took two years and lots of money and lots of prayers and lots of tears. Thankfully, my husband, the ever practical and faithful man, took it all in stride (and in line at a lot of take-out Chinese places, because that's the only thing that cheers me up when I'm sad in the hormonal sense :-) ). In all aspects, he kept me hopeful, faithful and sane. He helped me face my fears of being childless by hanging Bible verses fighting against anxiety all over our house. He encouraged me to read them and memorize them and believe them. That last part took me longer than it should have. But I got there eventually. Yet still, after I did learn to actually trust that God had a plan for my life, whether that involved children or not, and that anxiety does nothing for us in the process of sanctification, or sanity, our fertility problems were not yet solved. But I had something to cling to now.
My favorite verse during this time was Mark 11:23 -- "Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him."
I wrote it on my chalkboard that hung in our kitchen that I normally used to rotate verses. But this one, for some reason, I left up. I read it every day. And I found that after a month or two of reading it multiple times every day, I finally did really start to believe it.
I don't think it is a coincidence that not a month later we did finally get pregnant and go on to have our first daughter. Now, I'm not saying that those who struggle with fertility are not being faithful enough, or that those who are not really clinging to their faith just need to do that and then they'll achieve a pregnancy. God has different plans for everyone, and for His children, those plans are all beautiful in their unique way. No person's story will play out just like mine did. What I am saying is that I think God was taking me personally on a faith journey that I had to complete before I would be ready to take on the role of motherhood.
So, you may think... she finally got pregnant... Happy ending!! Yey!
I would say yes. But apparently I've blocked out
of my memory the actual ten months it took to bring her into the world.
If you ask my husband, he would tell you that the positive pregnancy test
was nothing close to a happy ending... at least not yet.
Apparently when I am pregnant I am a raging she-devil of madness. Like I said, I have almost no memory of any of this, but I've been told, by family and good friends (lest you think my husband's just being a drama queen) that I was, in fact, a candidate for the loony bin during my first pregnancy. What I do remember is this -- in spite of the fact that I had believed God was capable of anything, and knew that only He had been powerful enough to land me pregnant in the first place, I still didn't really trust Him to bring my baby safely into the world.
So, I lived
literally every single moment of those ten months in utter fear. Every
pain, every ten minutes that went by without a movement by the baby, convinced
me that she had died and that I was still never going to be a mother.
(Again, I am not saying that every person's story will be like this, one
way or the other -- this is just my experience) And as the pregnancy
hormones grew, and the baby grew, so did my fear. At its best, I was an
unhappily functioning pregnant person walking on eggshells. At its worst,
I was a catatonic paralytic specimen incapable of productive
human interaction or thought processes. Of course I don't remember
the latter, so it's all just reliable hearsay.
I don't know how my husband did it. And if you ask him, he'll say he doesn't know either. Again though, God was trying to teach me something, and in the end, similarly to my struggle to get pregnant in the first place, I found the ability to trust that He really would take care of it, and after an uneventful birth, and ridding my body of all the hormones, (which, let's face it... drive every woman at least a little batty, right?) I was able to start off motherhood on solid footing. That baby is turning 4 next week, and most people would say she's mostly normal, albeit a bit dramatic, so I guess we got our happy ending... temporarily.
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Now Entering from Stage Left -- Baby #2!!
Well... back up... after Baby #1, we decided that we wouldn't ever pay for fertility treatments again. We had our miracle baby. In my husband's opinion, our little family was complete. Why not stop at perfection? (She does look and act EXACTLY like me, so I can't argue with him there :-) ) On the outside, in my speech and in public, I agreed with him. I played along, but not because I was just trying to appease him. It was really because I was trying to fool myself. I had been so blessed already with my sweet baby. And it took so much to get her there... and we weren't going to go through all of that again... so... If A then B, then C.... or something like that. I had to convince myself that our family of three was enough. As far as we knew, it wasn't possible to get pregnant on our own. So, we were going to forever be a cute family of 3. And truly, I was happy, and absolutely content. But really, I think it's because I didn't know of the other possibilities.
Ah!! Now, we can cue Baby #2. No, I didn't somehow come into millions of dollars to go through more fertility treatments. Baby #2 made her entrance into this world the old-fashioned, and obviously surprising way. Thankfully, this time around, I wasn't QUITE as insane as I had been for the first pregnancy. Actually, from where I'm standing, I remember being MUCH more sane. The jury's out on my husband's opinion, who still claims that the entire ten months were from hell, just with a few less "emergency" Labor and Delivery Unit trips. Baby #2 arrived uneventfully and healthy, just as her sister. Now... My sweet husband said... our family is obviously complete! We had one more than we even thought possible. (This one, ironically, looks and acts just like him, so again, in his mind... we've attained the ultimately perfect family!) Two beautiful girls, healthy as can be, smart as whips and delightful as puppies. Who could ask for anything more??!!
I could. I do. I will now explain to you the major difference between my husband and me. He sees perfection and is satisfied. I see potential and am hungry.
No, I don't want to breed and devour small children. But I do want just one more. BADLY. And, in true Meagan fashion, MADLY. I think about it every day. I pray about it every night.
In my mind, if we've had two healthy babies we are totally in
love with, why not trust God that He can do it again, (if He wants to, of
course). After all, I argue. "Children are a heritage from
the Lord." (Psalm 127:3) I'm not looking or seeking a huge
heritage here. Just a heritage triple in nature. Sounds fair, and
reasonable, yes?
Not if you ask my husband. This is where my inner turmoil comes in. Every one of his reasons for not having another child are perfectly practical and reasonable. Below are a summation of his arguments:
1. We have two beautiful children. I came through both pregnancies unscathed CF-wise. Why push our luck? Plus, he's cool with just our two, no desire for more. 2. Children are expensive. He's a youth minister. I'm a part-time violin teacher. We're not exactly rolling in the coinage. All done -- That's it! His reasons for no new Baby.
Okay... Okay... Fine... I'll say it. #3. I'm deranged when I'm pregnant.
Now, I will not go into my answers in response to these arguments here, (or even give you my reasons for wanting another child, because, I'm pretty sure that they're the same reasons anyone wants a child) . After all, I don't get his permission or send it to him ahead of time when I write this blog, and it wouldn't be fair or respectful to him for me to argue with him via the internet. That would just be plain tacky and the opposite of Biblical.
What I will say is this... to those of you who know me and know how much I want another baby, and to those of you who know him and have heard his reasons for not and rightfully consider him a level-headed, wise man... I want you to know this--- I hear his reasons. I understand them. And honestly, I agree with every one of them.
I believe his reasons are God-given and that he's arrived at them after much careful thought, prayer, reading of scripture and by seeking wise biblical counsel from mentors he trusts. I know in my heart he has come to this conclusion not because he inherently wants to disagree with me or cause me emotional pain, but because of his unconditional love and desire to lead our family on God's path for us and to protect the family we already have here on this earth, especially our innocent children. And for that, I love him desperately.
What I can't say, though, is that I don't feel the same way about my desire to have one more. If I can just lay out the ugly truth, this one desire has brought me to my knees in desperate prayer more than any thing in my life up to this point. I've prayed harder, searched scripture, shed more tears, sought biblical counsel and wisdom from people much more holy than I, and yet, I feel more lost and alone than in any other time in my life or marriage.
I can honestly say this season of my life is the worst. And the reason is very obvious to me. For the first time in our marriage, or in my life at all, really, I feel like my convictions about something are completely in competition with the person I love most-- my partner, my help-mate, the leader of my family. In every other challenge I've faced in my life, whether it be health-related, fertility, job searches, etc., every important person in my life has been "on the same team" -- we've all been praying for the same thing. In harmony. This is the first time I don't feel completely in synch with my loved ones, especially my husband.
I tell you... it is literally the worst. To not be on the same page on something so important with my man is so awful. We're at a stale mate; each believing our position is the right one for our family. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
So, here's the only thing I can think to do-- the reason I wrote this blog... so that you can be my witnesses.
I promise to make sure that every time I pray or read scripture seeking wisdom on this subject, that I do it with an open heart -- i.e., "God, please direct me to your will for us." and even harder... "God, if it is your will that we not have another child, PLEASE, I beg of you, change my heart." I will tell you that even more than praying for another child, this is my front-most prayer. I'm willing to have my heart changed on this, for the sake of my family, for the sake of my marriage, and for the sake of my journey with the Lord. I know that He may ultimately ask me to put aside my desires for another child for any of those reasons, and I'm fully prepared (maybe not excitedly, let's be real) to do that.
Herein lies the rub, though... so far, after months of these prayers... nothing has changed. And, (of course, because there would be absolutely no point in this whole rant otherwise) nothing has changed from my husband's perspective either. So, I have to believe that God has something for us to learn in the intermediate time. I only pray and hope that I won't be too insane or passionate to see it... and if I can be so bold... that my husband won't be too practical either :-)
There you have it... WWIII -- the ultimate conflict between a godly man of practicality and a (trying to be) godly woman of unwavering passion.
Now don't be afraid... I'm not actually planning on writing a 'Part 2' to this blog any time soon. But if and when we ever come to a resolution, I will be sure to let you know. In the meantime, I covet your prayers, wisdom and encouragement as I navigate this frustrating and emotional road I currently find myself on.
