So am I just a big sinner, or a natural woman designed by God?

So, the cat's out of the bag...

I really love frivolity!

I enjoy wearing trendy clothes, I own more shoes than the years I've been alive, I hate the ancient stained countertops in my kitchen, and I wish my entire house looked like the HGTV Dream home.

I also do my very best to not make these things the focus of my thoughts and attentions, because, let's face it, material wealth ultimately doesn't get you happiness in life, even if its wrapped in a label deemed "super cute."

But now that I'm finally out with who I really am and what I struggle with, I feel the need to ask... WHY?

Don't worry -- I'm not asking the readers of this blog to help me with this existential dilemma.

I'm actually asking God.  Why did YOU make me this way, God, if it seems to so often contradict what you command us as believers to be?  Or ... if we're even more brutally deep, DID you make me this way, or am I this way because of the sinful nature that invades every human existence?

My first instinct is that, sadly, this may all be a result of sin, because, as scripture says, "Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7)  And I think most of scripture points to the concept that material wealth means nothing in light of eternity.  So why do so many women -- sweet, wise, godly women -- feel this incessant need to make their reality look just a tad cuter?

Perhaps the answer can be found in the fact that despite God's firm warning that we shouldn't put all of our eggs in the "how do I look?" basket, there is an element of a godly woman that does involve an appreciation for material beauty.

We don't need to look any further than Proverbs 31.  It's an often quoted passage, and in my opinion as a woman, one of the more beautiful Proverbs.  There are several different qualities of "The Proverbs 31" woman listed in the chapter.  Here are a few:

• "She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet" (vs.21)
• "She makes bed coverings for herself: her clothing is fine linen and purple" (22)
• "She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night." (18)
• "She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness" (27)

I could go on and on, but from these verses, it's clear that there is SOME value placed on how a woman takes care and "clothes" her home and household.  Fine linens... purple... scarlet... sounds beautiful (and expensive? :-) )   

Isn't that a relief??!!  We can still have pretty things and be considered godly!  Scriptural evidence!  AMEN!  Praise the Lord!!  End of Blog.

Not so fast............. And don't feel bad if you are familiar with this scripture and like to stop after reading those verses.  I do it.  I've even been known to quote this scripture to my husband when he complains about the latest window treatments I bought.  Horrible -- I know!

You can't read this scripture completely and the way it was intended without finishing the chapter.  

"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.  Giver her the fruit of her hands and let her works praise her in the gates." (vs.30 & 31)

Wait.  Did that last passage literally just negate everything the previous twenty verses seemed to be saying?  Can I really NOT clothe my house in lavish purple linens with God's blessing?  Dang it.

Happy dance!  I don't think that's what's happening here!  Here's the jist of what I think is the essence of this passage--

 It all comes down to the difference between men and women and how God made us.  Scripture constantly encourages men to be strong, be courageous, be firm in your faith and be the head of your household in a loving yet leading way etc.,  That's what makes a godly man.  

This passage encourages women in different ways.  We have an eye for beautiful things.  God made us that way. We can embrace it, if we use it wisely.  AND -- BIG CAVEAT here -- if we remember that in the end, we need to love and fear the Lord above all else.  He gave us the gift of beauty, and He made us out of love.  And we have to use who we are with a purpose and not just to fulfill selfish vanity.  If we do that, we're sinning.  We need to serve the Lord above all else.  We also need to work hard, and take care of our household and family.  But, we CAN do it in style!  Isn't that fantastic?!  I think so :-)

Extra! Extra!! There's a fortune to be made in ministerial life! Oh wait....

No, I'm not a naive idiot. And I'm definitely not new at this.  I've been married to a youth minister for almost eight years now and I will definitely say there aren't any million dollar salaried positions in any church ministry position, and nothing even close for those low on the totem pole teen wranglers.

It's uber-cheesy, and it's taken me these past eight years to actually recognize this, but you CAN have a rich life in ministry, and it really isn't that hard, because in ministry, your fortune is an investment -- it's an investment into people, communities, faith and hope.  Like I said, cheesy, but true.

Don't worry though, I hate cheesy writing, so this blog is not going to be aimed at talking about those aspects of life... although I pray that everyone has a chance in their own corner of the world to invest in people, community and faith as often as we as a family do.

This blog is actually about my internal struggle against this previously mentioned concept.  Honestly, I wish we could make a million dollars in youth ministry.  And it's not because of a noble desire to donate all of those millions of dollars to building wells in Africa.  Of course, if I had the theoretical million dollars a year, I'd for sure give away most of it, because I think it would actually be impossible to spend $1 million a year in northern Alabama on only yourself.   And as a disclaimer -- I think organizations who build wells in Africa while also spreading the Gospel are the best thing since sliced bread, so if I DID have $1 million / year, I'd definitely give most of it to them.  But, again, honestly, I'd make darn sure there was some left in the bank for me and my family.

Lest you think, oh good, this girl at least knows how to save some money for her kids' college and how to consolidate her loans / pay off debt / etc.,  No.  I'd try to keep it for myself because I want a new kitchen in my house.  I also want to refinish my hardwoods.  I love eating out at trendy and expensive restaurants. Also, I need a new wardrobe for my husband because he only wears the same five shirts over and over again (not because he only has 5 shirts, but because he's stubborn that way :-) )  Heck, while I'm at it, if we made $1 million a year, I'd just go ahead and buy a bigger house.  Less dust and dirt than reno-ing a kitchen.
Oh..... you sadly say, shaking your head... this poor girl clearly has no idea about the concept of being good stewards of what God has given us.  And how Jesus told us to leave everything we have, pick up our cross, and follow Him.  How has no one ever told this child about storing up treasures in heaven and not wasting our time worrying about here on earth??

Don't worry! My Sunday School teachers didn't fail me.  I do know all of these things. And I also believe all of them to be 100% true and good.  My problem is... while my heart is right there with all of those statements... my brain doesn't always comply.  I find myself in a constant struggle to actually live by this code. Because pretty, shiny new kitchens are gorgeous.  And clothes are fun.  And hardwoods look better with no scratches in them.

So that's what this blog is starting out as.  Maybe I'm secretly hoping there are other Christian women out there who struggle with these same things?  That perhaps I'm not the only ministry wife out there who loves a good designer purse??  Or maybe that even if yours isn't a struggle with worldly goods, it's something else?  Like the secretly alluring world of gossip?  Or guilty pleasures like marathon runs of celebrity reality shows or the 1,234th season of The Bachelor?  Come on, ladies!  I can't be the only one!!

Thus, here it is... my new blog. This is my way to lay out my struggles as I navigate this world that's so, well, worldly... all while learning to grow in my faith as a good steward, faithful wife hopefully a good example for my children as they grow.  And lest you worry again that there's totally no hope for me because I'm clearly the most greedy person in the history of mankind, I have some good news for you.  Thankfully, my husband, Dan, is awesome because not only does he believe all of the aforementioned things, he also lives that way! And to his credit, he is uber-patient with me as I work through all of this day after day. Goodness I love that guy!  Not only is he the cutest, he's an amazing father to our girls and such a great reflection of what Christ taught us to be.  He loves people, loves the Kingdom and everything to do with it.. and the rest of the non-important stuff?  Eh... he could take it or leave it.  Maybe that's why he's the youth minister and I'm just the wife??  Hmmm....