That ghastly concept of "submission" is so 1st Century.... Or is it???

     This morning I taught a Women's Bible Study at our church on the topic of submission as found in 1 Corinthians 11 and written by the apostle Paul.  Now, let me be clear... I did not choose to teach on this topic.  In fact, when I was reading ahead in 1 Corinthians a few weeks ago realizing I was scheduled to teach today I "recounted" how many weeks there were until this chapter at least five times.  It was literally the LAST thing I wanted to teach on.  I kept praying that some (not-serious) disaster would strike and I would get to teach the next week instead.  Next week's chapter covers "Spiritual Gifts" in the church.  Like -- speaking in tongues, prophesying, etc.,  Yes, I literally wanted to teach on one of the most controversial issues in the church today instead of teach on the topic of submission.  

    Why?  You may ask.  Well... I'll tell you.  I am the least naturally submissive person that was ever born.  This is not a joke.  Ask my husband.  Heck, ask my parents.  If you tell me I'm supposed to do something I don't think will be highly enjoyable, I will fight you the entire way kicking and screaming and screaming obscenities.  Okay... not the last part... I don't really have a potty mouth... but maybe screaming insults at you.  That's probably more realistic.

     Anyways, the idea that a woman needed to be submissive to her husband and that God MADE us that way was the suckiest concept in the world to me.  What the heck?!?!  Isn't God supposed to be loving and just?  Why would that kind of God expect me to kowtow to another human being, a man, who is just sinful like me??  No way could that be right.

    Oh, and did I mention that this chapter in the Bible specifically discusses this topic centering around how a woman wears her hair?  How superficial is that??!!  There's no way that how a woman wears her hair, long vs. short, covered vs. uncovered, should have any reflection on her spiritual discipline.  That's so... ugh... I don't even know a word to describe how turned off I was by this chapter the first time I read it.  

   Well... I'm happy to say that in the month I've been preparing for this lesson, my eyes have literally been opened to so many new truths God is sharing in this passage.  After studying this and teaching on this topic, I am so much more comfortable with the idea of submission, and even with how a woman should wear her hair.  I now view God's calling for women to be submissive to their husbands as a beautiful opportunity to reflect how Jesus was submissive to the Father when he died on the cross.  Now, tell me I can learn how to be more like Christ, and you have my attention, because, that's what living the Christian life is all about, right?

  Now, lest you fear that I've fallen off my rocker and have made a 180 degree turn and you will now find me dressed only in floor length mumus and never taking scissors to my hair again, there's no need for alarm.  No.  I don't necessarily think this passage is literally saying all women should wear their hair long and covered, or else!!  What I do now realize is that God made women differently than men for a reason, and God doesn't make mistakes, so we might as well embrace the differences!!  

  So, instead of ranting further on this topic, I decided to instead post my notes that I used to teach this morning... I pray you enjoy, contemplate, and glean something of how God made you uniquely beautiful (if you are a woman, of course -- if you're a man, you're obviously uniquely "handsome" :-))

  * A disclaimer -- many of these conclusions are not mine, and are instead a culmination of study from respected theologians (especially The MacArthur Commentary, which is fabulous) who actually have degrees in this stuff... so don't worry -- I won't make you a heretic if you choose to embrace any of these thoughts!!  

The Word of God

1 Corinthians 11:1-16

Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ.

Head Coverings

2 Now I commend you because you remember me in everything and maintain the traditions even as I delivered them to you. 3 But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife[a] is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. 4 Every man who prays or prophesies with his head covered dishonors his head, 5 but every wife[b] who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head, since it is the same as if her head were shaven. 6 For if a wife will not cover her head, then she should cut her hair short. But since it is disgraceful for a wife to cut off her hair or shave her head, let her cover her head. 7 For a man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God, but woman is the glory of man. 8 For man was not made from woman, but woman from man. 9 Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man. 10 That is why a wife ought to have a symbol of authority on her head, because of the angels.[c] 11 Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man nor man of woman; 12 for as woman was made from man, so man is now born of woman. And all things are from God.13 Judge for yourselves: is it proper for a wife to pray to God with her head uncovered? 14 Does not nature itself teach you that if a man wears long hair it is a disgrace for him, 15 but if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For her hair is given to her for a covering. 16 If anyone is inclined to be contentious, we have no such practice, nor do the churches of God.

My Notes:

Theme: Women are EQUAL in the kingdom as far as value, spiritual potential, intellect, etc.,  HOWEVER -- they function uniquely in God's created order and are best suited to live that way based upon the following points:

1) Pattern in the Godhead (vs. 3)

2) Divine design of male vs. female (vs.7)

3) The order of creation (vs 8)

4) The purpose of woman in regard to man (vs 9)

5) The concerns of angels (vs. 10)

6) characteristics of natural physiology

We as women need to resist the temptation to pick and choose what scripture says about women just because it seems offensive at first.

Breakdown:

Verse 2 - "Traditions" refers to God's word in the OT -- Paul is praising them for asking for guidance and not just trying to interpret God's word for themselves .

~ The Corinthians were caught between theology, morality and the harmful pagan culture they were escaping

~ Corinthian women were seen as sub-human and were often enslaved, abused and forced into prostitution, so now that they found freedom in Christ, they didn't want to be told they needed to be submissive to ANYONE, even their husbands.

Verse 3 - Paul tries to show that submission isn't inherently a bad th ing.

~ If Jesus hadn't submitted to the will of the Father, He wouldn't have been able to save mankind by dying on the cross.

~ Word "head" means 'controlling part' -- this is used in three different) ways.  

1) Christ is the 'head' of every man

2) Man is the 'head' of woman

3) God is the 'head' of Christ -- again, he ends on this positive example that all men & women can understand and embrace.

Key point -- Our challenge is to see our role of submission as an opportunity to be like Jesus

Verse 4-6 -- We DO have to take Corinthian culture into consideration when literally reading this passage 

~ Culturally, even today, a man would not have worn a veil on his head at any time.  If he were to do that, he would be a visual distraction.

~ Likewise, culturally at the time, "normal" women had long hair and wore veils.

~ In Jewish culture, an adulteress was the only women who wore short hair -- to distinguish her from godly society.

~ So, for a woman to wear her hair short would have been a cultural distraction and would not have made her an effective witness to others about the Gospel.  

~ We need to be cognizant of our audience as believers.  (i.e., I wouldn't wear a bathing suit to women's Bible study because my teaching would be ineffective due to the distraction of my appearance)

Key Point -- Macarthur and other respected theologians thus conclude that Paul wasn't stating a permanent universal necessity for women to always wear their head covered, just that it made sense in that society.  HOWEVER, the principle behind it (submission) still applies today -- we can't just say that only applied in those times and not live by the reasoning behind it.

~ One way the Corinthian women were trying to assert their newfound equality in Jesus was to cut their hair and wear it uncovered to look like men to show they weren't "owned" by any man.  Paul is discouraging this practice, and now goes into a defense as to why women should act like women, and not try to resemble men.

Verse 7-10 -- Paul reminds us the order in which God created us. We are equal in value to Him, but we demonstrate different sides of His glory than man.

~ Man is both the "glory" and "image" of God, because God created him out of nothing.  

~ Likewise, women are made in the "image" of God, but Paul differentiates by saying women are the "glory" of man.

~~~  I see it like this -- God showed one of his majestic abilities -- creating something out of nothing -- when he created man.  Whereas when he created woman, he created something uniquely beautiful from one of his creations.  It showed a different side of His creativity.  Thus -- we were intended to be different from men. (this is sometimes tough in our society to be told we're not "the same" as men)

~"Because of the angels" -- this is sort of a random statement in the passage, but Macarthur explains the following thought --

~~~ Angels are created as completely submissive beings.  And they were also witnesses to Creation and the order in which it happened.  So, they "know" we are supposed to be man's helpmate - not his superior.  If we don't act that way, then we're setting a bad example for the angels, and they'll be offended, and even possibly tempted to be insubordinate themselves, of course, a dangerous thing.

Vs. 11-12 -- Christianity helped liberate women, and here, Paul reminds men that although the first woman came from a man, subsequent men come from the body of a woman, so the two go hand in hand and are equally as important.

~ But if we're not careful -- Satan can tempt us to ignore the physiological differences between women and lose our uniqueness.

Vs. 13-16 Paul gives a biology lesson

~~  Hair growth happens in three stages 1) Growth   2) Rest    3) Fall out.

~~~~~Men reach the fallout stage earlier than women because of their testosterone.  Contrarily, women have more estrogen, which lengthens the "resting" stage.  

~ so, if you sent a man and a women into the desert each with a shaved head and left them there for a few years, when they came back, the woman's hair would be noticeably longer than the man's.  

Key Point:  God created us to be biologically different, and for women, he emphasized our hair.   It's intended to be longer and fuller than a man's.  If we ignore those biological differences and try to claim that we're "the same" in every way as man, we're denying the fact that God intended us to be different, and thus implying that God made a "mistake" in creating Woman the way He did.  

Final Thoughts -- God intended for women to be man's helpmate.  So He created us second.  This naturally makes man the "head" of the woman.  But, man cannot exist without woman, so there's a mutual dependence in that relationship.  God has given us a unique opportunity as woman to learn the art of submission as a way to model Christ's submission to the Father on the cross.  The literal covering of a woman's head can be seen as taken within the historical context because a woman with shorter hair was either an adulteress, or trying to deny the womanhood God gave her -- both no-no's!!  So, Paul isn't literally saying (vs. 16) that the church is demanding that women should cover their heads at all times.  What he IS saying, however, is that a woman should be mindful of the culture in which she lives in and take precaution to not be a distraction from spreading the Gospel.  Also, she needs to examine her heart if she finds herself not wanting to be submissive -- God made us different for His divine purposes, and God doesn't make mistakes so we shouldn't try to be just like men.  Biologically, we're different from men and we should embrace and thank God for that!

WWIII-- War Between Practicality and Passion.... Part 1

       So I'm going to be straight up honest here, and most likely long-winded!  I have been nothing but blessed beyond belief in my limited lifetime.   That may come as somewhat of a surprising statement for those of you who know me.  For those who don't, let me tell you why the others may be thinking I'm a bit nuts to say that.  I was born with a terminal illness -- specifically cystic fibrosis.  In a nutshell, it's a genetic disease that affects proteins of certain cells, causing an extra amount of sticky mucous to clog and damage your lungs, pancreas, etc.,  Because of this all CFers (as we like to be called), have extra salty skin, and most of us don't digest food properly on our own, so we have to eat almost double what a normal person eats in a day.  Yes, you read all that right.  I am, in fact, an X-Man.  I have visibly salty skin and can eat whatever I want, as much as I want.  I call myself the NaCL Bottomless Pit-Girl.  

     Unfortunately, for most of us CFers, those interesting positives don't outweigh the negatives.  when I was born, the life expectancy of a newborn with CF was somewhere in the late teens.  Today, thanks to awesome medical researchers and the tireless efforts of generations of doctors, that number is now in the 40s.  Amazing, right?  And that's just the average.  For me personally, my expectancy is likely much longer than that.  By the grace of God I've retained more than 90% of my lung function, which in medical terms, means I still don't technically even have diseased lungs yet (to be considered as having lung disease your numbers have to be less than 80%).    

  And did I mention I've given birth to two babies?  Since children born fifty years ago with CF weren't expected to live longer than a decade, and when I was born, not expected to make it to college, CF women having babies is a very new concept and a phenomenon that is still being studied and understood more every day, so for a CF patient to have one is sort of a minor miracle.  Two -- astonishing. 

   So... I'm married to an amazing man (read my previous posts if you don't believe me), I have two beautiful and healthy daughters, I have a job I love, and I'm almost perfectly healthy.  I should be 100% content and grateful to sail off into the sunset in my perfectly harmonious life, right?  

   WRONG....
   Here's why--

   We really struggled to get pregnant with our first baby.  It took two years and lots of money and lots of prayers and lots of tears. Thankfully, my husband, the ever practical and faithful man, took it all in stride (and in line at a lot of take-out Chinese places, because that's the only thing that cheers me up when I'm sad in the hormonal sense :-) ).  In all aspects, he kept me hopeful, faithful and sane.  He helped me face my fears of being childless by hanging Bible verses fighting against anxiety all over our house.  He encouraged me to read them and memorize them and believe them.  That last part took me longer than it should have.  But I got there eventually.  Yet still, after I did learn to actually trust that God had a plan for my life, whether that involved children or not, and that anxiety does nothing for us in the process of sanctification, or sanity, our fertility problems were not yet solved.  But I had something to cling to now.  

   My favorite verse during this time was Mark 11:23 -- "Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him."  

   I wrote it on my chalkboard that hung in our kitchen that I normally used to rotate verses.  But this one, for some reason, I left up.  I read it every day.  And I found that after a month or two of reading it multiple times every day, I finally did really start to believe it.

  I don't think it is a coincidence that not a month later we did finally get pregnant and go on to have our first daughter.  Now, I'm not saying that those who struggle with fertility are not being faithful enough, or that those who are not really clinging to their faith just need to do that and then they'll achieve a pregnancy.  God has different plans for everyone, and for His children, those plans are all beautiful in their unique way.  No person's story will play out just like mine did.  What I am saying is that I think God was taking me personally on a faith journey that I had to complete before I would be ready to take on the role of motherhood.

  So, you may think... she finally got pregnant... Happy ending!!  Yey! 

   I would say yes.  But apparently I've blocked out of my memory the actual ten months it took to bring her into the world.  If you ask my husband, he would tell you that the positive pregnancy test was nothing close to a happy ending... at least not yet.   

   Apparently when I am pregnant I am a raging she-devil of madness.  Like I said, I have almost no memory of any of this, but I've been told, by family and good friends (lest you think my husband's just being a drama queen) that I was, in fact, a candidate for the loony bin during my first pregnancy.  What I do remember is this -- in spite of the fact that I had believed God was capable of anything, and knew that only He had been powerful enough to land me pregnant in the first place, I still didn't really trust Him to bring my baby safely into the world. 

 So, I lived literally every single moment of those ten months in utter fear.  Every pain, every ten minutes that went by without a movement by the baby, convinced me that she had died and that I was still never going to be a mother.  (Again, I am not saying that every person's story will be like this, one way or the other -- this is just my experience)  And as the pregnancy hormones grew, and the baby grew, so did my fear.  At its best, I was an unhappily functioning pregnant person walking on eggshells.  At its worst, I was a catatonic paralytic specimen incapable of productive human interaction or thought processes.  Of course I don't remember the latter, so it's all just reliable hearsay.  

     I don't know how my husband did it.  And if you ask him, he'll say he doesn't know either.  Again though, God was trying to teach me something, and in the end, similarly to my struggle to get pregnant in the first place, I found the ability to trust that He really would take care of it, and after an uneventful birth, and ridding my body of all the hormones, (which, let's face it... drive every woman at least a little batty, right?) I was able to start off motherhood on solid footing.  That baby is turning 4 next week, and most people would say she's mostly normal, albeit a bit dramatic, so I guess we got our happy ending... temporarily.          

*************************************************************************

   Now Entering from Stage Left --  Baby #2!!

  Well... back up... after Baby #1, we decided that we wouldn't ever pay for fertility treatments again.  We had our miracle baby.  In my husband's opinion, our little family was complete.  Why not stop at perfection?  (She does look and act EXACTLY like me, so I can't argue with him there :-) ) On the outside, in my speech and in public, I agreed with him.  I played along, but not because I was just trying to appease him.  It was really because I was trying to fool myself.  I had been so blessed already with my sweet baby.  And it took so much to get her there... and we weren't going to go through all of that again... so... If A then B,  then C.... or something like that.  I had to convince myself that our family of three was enough.  As far as we knew, it wasn't possible to get pregnant on our own.  So, we were going to forever be a cute family of 3.  And truly, I was happy, and absolutely content.  But really, I think it's because I didn't know of the other possibilities. 

   Ah!!  Now, we can cue Baby #2.  No, I didn't somehow come into millions of dollars to go through more fertility treatments.  Baby #2 made her entrance into this world the old-fashioned, and obviously surprising way.  Thankfully, this time around, I wasn't QUITE as insane as I had been for the first pregnancy.  Actually, from where I'm standing, I remember being MUCH more sane.  The jury's out on my husband's opinion, who still claims that the entire ten months were from hell, just with a few less "emergency" Labor and Delivery Unit trips.  Baby #2 arrived uneventfully and healthy, just as her sister.  Now... My sweet husband said... our family is obviously complete!  We had one more than we even thought possible.  (This one, ironically, looks and acts just like him, so again, in his mind... we've attained the ultimately perfect family!)  Two beautiful girls, healthy as can be, smart as whips and delightful as puppies.  Who could ask for anything more??!!  

  I could.   I do.    I will now explain to you the major difference between my husband and me.  He sees perfection and is satisfied.  I see potential and am hungry. 

  No, I don't want to breed and devour small children.  But I do want just one more.  BADLY.  And, in true Meagan fashion, MADLY.  I think about it every day.  I pray about it every night.

   In my mind, if we've had two healthy babies we are totally in love with, why not trust God that He can do it again, (if He wants to, of course).  After all, I argue.  "Children are a heritage from the Lord."  (Psalm 127:3)  I'm not looking or seeking a huge heritage here.  Just a heritage triple in nature.  Sounds fair, and reasonable, yes?

  Not if you ask my husband.  This is where my inner turmoil comes in.  Every one of his reasons for not having another child are perfectly practical and reasonable.  Below are a summation of his arguments: 

  1. We have two beautiful children.  I came through both pregnancies unscathed CF-wise.  Why push our luck?  Plus, he's cool with just our two, no desire for more.  2. Children are expensive.  He's a youth minister.  I'm a part-time violin teacher.  We're not exactly rolling in the coinage.  All done -- That's it!  His reasons for no new Baby.

  Okay... Okay...  Fine... I'll say it. #3.  I'm deranged when I'm pregnant.  

   Now, I will not go into my answers in response to these arguments here, (or even give you my reasons for wanting another child, because, I'm pretty sure that they're the same reasons anyone wants a child) .  After all, I don't get his permission or send it to him ahead of time when I write this blog, and it wouldn't be fair or respectful to him for me to argue with him via the internet.  That would just be plain tacky and the opposite of Biblical.  

  What I will say is this... to those of you who know me and know how much I want another baby, and to those of you who know him and have heard his reasons for not and rightfully consider him a level-headed, wise man... I want you to know this---  I hear his reasons.  I understand them.  And honestly, I agree with every one of them.  

  I believe his reasons are God-given and that he's arrived at them after much careful thought, prayer, reading of scripture and by seeking wise biblical counsel from mentors he trusts.  I know in my heart he has come to this conclusion not because he inherently wants to disagree with me or cause me emotional pain, but because of his unconditional love and desire to lead our family on God's path for us and to protect the family we already have here on this earth, especially our innocent children.  And for that, I love him desperately.  

  What I can't say, though, is that I don't feel the same way about my desire to have one more.  If I can just lay out the ugly truth, this one desire has brought me to my knees in desperate prayer more than any thing in my life up to this point.  I've prayed harder, searched scripture, shed more tears, sought biblical counsel and wisdom from people much more holy than I, and yet, I feel more lost and alone than in any other time in my life or marriage.  

  I can honestly say this season of my life is the worst.  And the reason is very obvious to me.  For the first time in our marriage, or in my life at all, really, I feel like my convictions about something are completely in competition with the person I love most-- my partner, my help-mate, the leader of my family.  In every other challenge I've faced in my life, whether it be health-related, fertility, job searches, etc., every important person in my life has been "on the same team" -- we've all been praying for the same thing.  In harmony.  This is the first time I don't feel completely in synch with my loved ones, especially my husband.  

  I tell you... it is literally the worst.  To not be on the same page on something so important with my man is so awful.  We're at a stale mate; each believing our position is the right one for our family.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.  

  So, here's the only thing I can think to do-- the reason I wrote this blog... so that you can be my witnesses.  

     I promise to make sure that every time I pray or read scripture seeking wisdom on this subject, that I do it with an open heart -- i.e., "God, please direct me to your will for us." and even harder... "God, if it is your will that we not have another child, PLEASE, I beg of you, change my heart."  I will tell you that even more than praying for another child, this is my front-most prayer.  I'm willing to have my heart changed on this, for the sake of my family, for the sake of my marriage, and for the sake of my journey with the Lord.  I know that He may ultimately ask me to put aside my desires for another child for any of those reasons, and I'm fully prepared (maybe not excitedly, let's be real) to do that.  

  Herein lies the rub, though... so far, after months of these prayers... nothing has changed.  And, (of course, because there would be absolutely no point in this whole rant otherwise) nothing has changed from my husband's perspective either.  So, I have to believe that God has something for us to learn in the intermediate time.  I only pray and hope that I won't be too insane or passionate to see it... and if I can be so bold... that my husband won't be too practical either :-) 

    There you have it... WWIII -- the ultimate conflict between a godly man of practicality and a (trying to be) godly woman of unwavering passion.  

   Now don't be afraid... I'm not actually planning on writing a 'Part 2' to this blog any time soon.  But if and when we ever come to a resolution, I will be sure to let you know.   In the meantime, I covet your prayers, wisdom and encouragement as I navigate this frustrating and emotional road I currently find myself on.  

My Secret Addiction

I'm pretty sure I have an addiction.  It's not anything serious, thank the Lord, because I've seen what critical addictions -- pornography, substance abuse, alcoholism, etc., can do to a family, and it's horrific.  Yet, it's a harmful addiction all the same.

I know I'm addicted, because I literally do this thing multiple times a day before even realizing what I'm doing.  It's a habit, seemingly unbreakable, in spite of multiple attempts to stop.  To many, it seems like the most irrelevant waste of time ever, most would never even consider doing this thing even once, let alone thousands of times a year.  It drives my husband crazy, and yet my children don't even know I'm doing it.  Perhaps that's why I continue.  There's something about doing gross things under the watchful eye of beautiful innocence that mercifully deters you...

I know, the suspense is killing you.  Ok...  Here it is...

I'm addicted to celebrity gossip.  In any form.  The grocery store newsstand, magazines, gossip websites, celebrity news shows.  You name it, I've read/watched it.  I only have to type one letter in to my phone's search bar for my fav sites to come up.  And when my history on my phone gets so crowded and I clear it, I'm always thrown off when I have to type in the actual full site name the next time.

Why?  You ask.  If you're even a marginally normal person, you're probably wondering why I would waste even a single moment reading about the lives of people who I've never met, have nothing in common with, and in all aspects are probably some of the most sadistic, greedy and immoral people on the planet.

Well... I don't know.  I guess I find trashiness to be fascinating.  I find extravagance to be enthralling. I'm drawn to reading about people doing things and living in ways that I'll never do.  I guess I'm curious.

Curiosity -- in and of itself is not a bad thing at all.  It leads brilliant scientists to find cures to horrible diseases.  It leads to the discovery of new lands, new peoples, new cultures.  I don't think there's anything wrong with being fascinated and curious about other people's lives either.  You have to be careful not to covet, of course.  No one can argue against breaking one of the Ten Commandments :-)  But that's not what goes on with me.  I don't want fame.  I don't want millions of people searching for my image on the internet.  Fame is not the appeal for me.

I used to think it was somehow connected to my constant desire for the bigger and better.  My materialistic desires are something I'm learning and admitting more and more to myself every day.  So in a way, that may be part of it.  For who has nicer houses/stuff than the rich and famous??

But as I'm discovering very recently, that's not the whole picture, and it's the remaining aspect that's the most troublesome.  I never thought much about how I spend my time online until a few days ago when in a moment of frustration with my habit, my husband frustratingly declared that he doesn't understand why I spend my time "celebrating sin."

Pardon????  (I'm sure you can feel my icy stare in response)  Celebrating sin?  Me???  I don't celebrate sin.  I'm a Christian.  And in spite of my constant shortcomings, I'd say confidently that I don't live to intentionally promote or embrace sinful things.  So, when he made this comment, I was of course, furious.  I'm pretty sure I made some sort of nonsensical retort about how he's just as bad as me because he's literally obsessed with Pittsburgh sports (-- no, let's be honest -- he doesn't descriminate geographically.  If there's a ball involved, he's watching) and we all know those guys are predominantly wife-cheating, steroid-abusing losers.  Am I right?!  Thinking I'd argued my side effortlessly, he quickly informed me that it's not the same thing, because if anything, he's celebrating their work, not their personal lives.  He doesn't spend hours reading about who they're cheating on their wives with.  He's reading their stats.  And memorizing them.  He's reading predictions about rankings, the upcoming post-season, etc.,  --- Now, surely we as wives of most American males can probably come up with a decently legitimate argument against that for other reasons (I'm thinking wasting of money, time away from family, etc., :-)) but we'll save that for another time, ok ladies?  

So when my anger subsided and I was alone with my thoughts that night, I really started to think about what he said.  Of course by that time, he'd apologized and had assured me that he knows I don't actually celebrate sin.  He just wishes I wouldn't read trash.  Still... it nagged at me.  So, I did some thinking, reading and praying.

In order from least importance :-)  ===

#1) My thoughts:  Yes.  I have a definite addiction to something that's not really worthwhile.  But is it actually harmful in any way? It doesn't hurt anyone.  It doesn't affect how I raise my children, how I treat my husband, etc.,  (I know.... I know...   Spoken like a true addict.)  Admittedly, I could probably do more productive things with my time, so I guess in theory it may interfere with how clean my house is, but, I could definitely just find other things to do to waste my time -- no problem there.  So.  Why does it bother my husband so much??

Then, I started to think.  Dan, my husband, is (as I've mentioned previously) much better of a person than me.  He just is. He's got it much more together.  He definitely has his faults, but I can say, he would never spend hours a day wasting his time on something like I do with celebrity gossip. He doesn't have time....  Wait....  Is that it??  Why doesn't he have time??

I should investigate further... Ok = He's a youth minister, so he spends his days trying to positively impact the younger generations, reading Scripture, studying theology, spending time with our family, (and of course, as previously mentioned, watching every sporting event known to man).

Something was starting to click for me... but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.  My puny brain wasn't capable of comprehending what I was supposed to be gleaning from all of this.  So, I proceeded to....

 #2) Reading.  I went to the Word.  This is what I found.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things"  -- Philippians 4:8

"Set your mind on things above, not things that are on the earth" -- Colossians 3:2

"He must increase; I must decrease" -- John 3:30

Ruh roh...  Talk about being hit by a bus.  Not much I can argue with there.  I think I was finally getting it.  There is not a single category in that first verse into which I could place celebrity gossip.

As awful as it was to admit, and as bristling as his comment was, my husband was essentially right.  If what I'm spending my time thinking about / doing isn't any of those things-- if it doesn't increase God's presence in my life, than what else can it be other than sin?

So, I've admitted my problem.  But what do I do about it?  As I've already stated -- this is clearly a habit of mine.  Habits are not easily broken.  There's nothing to do but ...

#3)  Pray.  This is my prayer for myself.  My prayer for all the women out there who have habits similar to mine -- the kind that seem relatively harmless.  The ones that don't outwardly affect anything about your day-to-day life.  The kind you can sit in the pew on Sunday morning with without an ounce of guilt when it comes time for prayerful confession.  For you, it may be the trashy novels you love to curl up with when the kids go to bed and your husband's working late.  It may be the sexy soap operas that you look forward to day after day after day.  It might be the latest round of reality tv where you can delight in the train-wreck of other people's lives all under the guise of good entertainment.  Really -- it seems so innocent.  Not hurting anyone... but you.  It's hurting your relationship with God.  Because, if it doesn't fit under the category of "good, pure," etc.,  it's not of God.  And if it's not of God, at the very least it's doing nothing for your relationship with Him, and is thus a waste of time.  At the worst, it's allowing sin to creep into your life.

And so, I pray.  I pray that God will give me the strength to break my bad habit.  That I will become so fascinated by the things of Him that those are the websites I will type into my phone without realizing it.  That if I feel like learning about others, I'll find the lives, witness, wisdom, etc., of great theologians, martyrs, disciples and Jesus himself, interesting enough to read about them several times a day.  My ultimate prayer is that if I spend my time thinking about those things, I'll have no time left for the crap my sinful self is drawn towards.  And my secret almost unspeakable hope?  Is that someday, I won't even want to go there.

So am I just a big sinner, or a natural woman designed by God?

So, the cat's out of the bag...

I really love frivolity!

I enjoy wearing trendy clothes, I own more shoes than the years I've been alive, I hate the ancient stained countertops in my kitchen, and I wish my entire house looked like the HGTV Dream home.

I also do my very best to not make these things the focus of my thoughts and attentions, because, let's face it, material wealth ultimately doesn't get you happiness in life, even if its wrapped in a label deemed "super cute."

But now that I'm finally out with who I really am and what I struggle with, I feel the need to ask... WHY?

Don't worry -- I'm not asking the readers of this blog to help me with this existential dilemma.

I'm actually asking God.  Why did YOU make me this way, God, if it seems to so often contradict what you command us as believers to be?  Or ... if we're even more brutally deep, DID you make me this way, or am I this way because of the sinful nature that invades every human existence?

My first instinct is that, sadly, this may all be a result of sin, because, as scripture says, "Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7)  And I think most of scripture points to the concept that material wealth means nothing in light of eternity.  So why do so many women -- sweet, wise, godly women -- feel this incessant need to make their reality look just a tad cuter?

Perhaps the answer can be found in the fact that despite God's firm warning that we shouldn't put all of our eggs in the "how do I look?" basket, there is an element of a godly woman that does involve an appreciation for material beauty.

We don't need to look any further than Proverbs 31.  It's an often quoted passage, and in my opinion as a woman, one of the more beautiful Proverbs.  There are several different qualities of "The Proverbs 31" woman listed in the chapter.  Here are a few:

• "She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet" (vs.21)
• "She makes bed coverings for herself: her clothing is fine linen and purple" (22)
• "She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night." (18)
• "She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness" (27)

I could go on and on, but from these verses, it's clear that there is SOME value placed on how a woman takes care and "clothes" her home and household.  Fine linens... purple... scarlet... sounds beautiful (and expensive? :-) )   

Isn't that a relief??!!  We can still have pretty things and be considered godly!  Scriptural evidence!  AMEN!  Praise the Lord!!  End of Blog.

Not so fast............. And don't feel bad if you are familiar with this scripture and like to stop after reading those verses.  I do it.  I've even been known to quote this scripture to my husband when he complains about the latest window treatments I bought.  Horrible -- I know!

You can't read this scripture completely and the way it was intended without finishing the chapter.  

"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.  Giver her the fruit of her hands and let her works praise her in the gates." (vs.30 & 31)

Wait.  Did that last passage literally just negate everything the previous twenty verses seemed to be saying?  Can I really NOT clothe my house in lavish purple linens with God's blessing?  Dang it.

Happy dance!  I don't think that's what's happening here!  Here's the jist of what I think is the essence of this passage--

 It all comes down to the difference between men and women and how God made us.  Scripture constantly encourages men to be strong, be courageous, be firm in your faith and be the head of your household in a loving yet leading way etc.,  That's what makes a godly man.  

This passage encourages women in different ways.  We have an eye for beautiful things.  God made us that way. We can embrace it, if we use it wisely.  AND -- BIG CAVEAT here -- if we remember that in the end, we need to love and fear the Lord above all else.  He gave us the gift of beauty, and He made us out of love.  And we have to use who we are with a purpose and not just to fulfill selfish vanity.  If we do that, we're sinning.  We need to serve the Lord above all else.  We also need to work hard, and take care of our household and family.  But, we CAN do it in style!  Isn't that fantastic?!  I think so :-)

Extra! Extra!! There's a fortune to be made in ministerial life! Oh wait....

No, I'm not a naive idiot. And I'm definitely not new at this.  I've been married to a youth minister for almost eight years now and I will definitely say there aren't any million dollar salaried positions in any church ministry position, and nothing even close for those low on the totem pole teen wranglers.

It's uber-cheesy, and it's taken me these past eight years to actually recognize this, but you CAN have a rich life in ministry, and it really isn't that hard, because in ministry, your fortune is an investment -- it's an investment into people, communities, faith and hope.  Like I said, cheesy, but true.

Don't worry though, I hate cheesy writing, so this blog is not going to be aimed at talking about those aspects of life... although I pray that everyone has a chance in their own corner of the world to invest in people, community and faith as often as we as a family do.

This blog is actually about my internal struggle against this previously mentioned concept.  Honestly, I wish we could make a million dollars in youth ministry.  And it's not because of a noble desire to donate all of those millions of dollars to building wells in Africa.  Of course, if I had the theoretical million dollars a year, I'd for sure give away most of it, because I think it would actually be impossible to spend $1 million a year in northern Alabama on only yourself.   And as a disclaimer -- I think organizations who build wells in Africa while also spreading the Gospel are the best thing since sliced bread, so if I DID have $1 million / year, I'd definitely give most of it to them.  But, again, honestly, I'd make darn sure there was some left in the bank for me and my family.

Lest you think, oh good, this girl at least knows how to save some money for her kids' college and how to consolidate her loans / pay off debt / etc.,  No.  I'd try to keep it for myself because I want a new kitchen in my house.  I also want to refinish my hardwoods.  I love eating out at trendy and expensive restaurants. Also, I need a new wardrobe for my husband because he only wears the same five shirts over and over again (not because he only has 5 shirts, but because he's stubborn that way :-) )  Heck, while I'm at it, if we made $1 million a year, I'd just go ahead and buy a bigger house.  Less dust and dirt than reno-ing a kitchen.
Oh..... you sadly say, shaking your head... this poor girl clearly has no idea about the concept of being good stewards of what God has given us.  And how Jesus told us to leave everything we have, pick up our cross, and follow Him.  How has no one ever told this child about storing up treasures in heaven and not wasting our time worrying about here on earth??

Don't worry! My Sunday School teachers didn't fail me.  I do know all of these things. And I also believe all of them to be 100% true and good.  My problem is... while my heart is right there with all of those statements... my brain doesn't always comply.  I find myself in a constant struggle to actually live by this code. Because pretty, shiny new kitchens are gorgeous.  And clothes are fun.  And hardwoods look better with no scratches in them.

So that's what this blog is starting out as.  Maybe I'm secretly hoping there are other Christian women out there who struggle with these same things?  That perhaps I'm not the only ministry wife out there who loves a good designer purse??  Or maybe that even if yours isn't a struggle with worldly goods, it's something else?  Like the secretly alluring world of gossip?  Or guilty pleasures like marathon runs of celebrity reality shows or the 1,234th season of The Bachelor?  Come on, ladies!  I can't be the only one!!

Thus, here it is... my new blog. This is my way to lay out my struggles as I navigate this world that's so, well, worldly... all while learning to grow in my faith as a good steward, faithful wife hopefully a good example for my children as they grow.  And lest you worry again that there's totally no hope for me because I'm clearly the most greedy person in the history of mankind, I have some good news for you.  Thankfully, my husband, Dan, is awesome because not only does he believe all of the aforementioned things, he also lives that way! And to his credit, he is uber-patient with me as I work through all of this day after day. Goodness I love that guy!  Not only is he the cutest, he's an amazing father to our girls and such a great reflection of what Christ taught us to be.  He loves people, loves the Kingdom and everything to do with it.. and the rest of the non-important stuff?  Eh... he could take it or leave it.  Maybe that's why he's the youth minister and I'm just the wife??  Hmmm....