I'm pretty sure I have an addiction. It's not anything serious, thank the Lord, because I've seen what critical addictions -- pornography, substance abuse, alcoholism, etc., can do to a family, and it's horrific. Yet, it's a harmful addiction all the same.
I know I'm addicted, because I literally do this thing multiple times a day before even realizing what I'm doing. It's a habit, seemingly unbreakable, in spite of multiple attempts to stop. To many, it seems like the most irrelevant waste of time ever, most would never even consider doing this thing even once, let alone thousands of times a year. It drives my husband crazy, and yet my children don't even know I'm doing it. Perhaps that's why I continue. There's something about doing gross things under the watchful eye of beautiful innocence that mercifully deters you...
I know, the suspense is killing you. Ok... Here it is...
I'm addicted to celebrity gossip. In any form. The grocery store newsstand, magazines, gossip websites, celebrity news shows. You name it, I've read/watched it. I only have to type one letter in to my phone's search bar for my fav sites to come up. And when my history on my phone gets so crowded and I clear it, I'm always thrown off when I have to type in the actual full site name the next time.
Why? You ask. If you're even a marginally normal person, you're probably wondering why I would waste even a single moment reading about the lives of people who I've never met, have nothing in common with, and in all aspects are probably some of the most sadistic, greedy and immoral people on the planet.
Well... I don't know. I guess I find trashiness to be fascinating. I find extravagance to be enthralling. I'm drawn to reading about people doing things and living in ways that I'll never do. I guess I'm curious.
Curiosity -- in and of itself is not a bad thing at all. It leads brilliant scientists to find cures to horrible diseases. It leads to the discovery of new lands, new peoples, new cultures. I don't think there's anything wrong with being fascinated and curious about other people's lives either. You have to be careful not to covet, of course. No one can argue against breaking one of the Ten Commandments :-) But that's not what goes on with me. I don't want fame. I don't want millions of people searching for my image on the internet. Fame is not the appeal for me.
I used to think it was somehow connected to my constant desire for the bigger and better. My materialistic desires are something I'm learning and admitting more and more to myself every day. So in a way, that may be part of it. For who has nicer houses/stuff than the rich and famous??
But as I'm discovering very recently, that's not the whole picture, and it's the remaining aspect that's the most troublesome. I never thought much about how I spend my time online until a few days ago when in a moment of frustration with my habit, my husband frustratingly declared that he doesn't understand why I spend my time "celebrating sin."
Pardon???? (I'm sure you can feel my icy stare in response) Celebrating sin? Me??? I don't celebrate sin. I'm a Christian. And in spite of my constant shortcomings, I'd say confidently that I don't live to intentionally promote or embrace sinful things. So, when he made this comment, I was of course, furious. I'm pretty sure I made some sort of nonsensical retort about how he's just as bad as me because he's literally obsessed with Pittsburgh sports (-- no, let's be honest -- he doesn't descriminate geographically. If there's a ball involved, he's watching) and we all know those guys are predominantly wife-cheating, steroid-abusing losers. Am I right?! Thinking I'd argued my side effortlessly, he quickly informed me that it's not the same thing, because if anything, he's celebrating their work, not their personal lives. He doesn't spend hours reading about who they're cheating on their wives with. He's reading their stats. And memorizing them. He's reading predictions about rankings, the upcoming post-season, etc., --- Now, surely we as wives of most American males can probably come up with a decently legitimate argument against that for other reasons (I'm thinking wasting of money, time away from family, etc., :-)) but we'll save that for another time, ok ladies?
So when my anger subsided and I was alone with my thoughts that night, I really started to think about what he said. Of course by that time, he'd apologized and had assured me that he knows I don't actually celebrate sin. He just wishes I wouldn't read trash. Still... it nagged at me. So, I did some thinking, reading and praying.
In order from least importance :-) ===
#1) My thoughts: Yes. I have a definite addiction to something that's not really worthwhile. But is it actually harmful in any way? It doesn't hurt anyone. It doesn't affect how I raise my children, how I treat my husband, etc., (I know.... I know... Spoken like a true addict.) Admittedly, I could probably do more productive things with my time, so I guess in theory it may interfere with how clean my house is, but, I could definitely just find other things to do to waste my time -- no problem there. So. Why does it bother my husband so much??
Then, I started to think. Dan, my husband, is (as I've mentioned previously) much better of a person than me. He just is. He's got it much more together. He definitely has his faults, but I can say, he would never spend hours a day wasting his time on something like I do with celebrity gossip. He doesn't have time.... Wait.... Is that it?? Why doesn't he have time??
I should investigate further... Ok = He's a youth minister, so he spends his days trying to positively impact the younger generations, reading Scripture, studying theology, spending time with our family, (and of course, as previously mentioned, watching every sporting event known to man).
Something was starting to click for me... but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. My puny brain wasn't capable of comprehending what I was supposed to be gleaning from all of this. So, I proceeded to....
#2) Reading. I went to the Word. This is what I found.
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things" -- Philippians 4:8
"Set your mind on things above, not things that are on the earth" -- Colossians 3:2
"He must increase; I must decrease" -- John 3:30
Ruh roh... Talk about being hit by a bus. Not much I can argue with there. I think I was finally getting it. There is not a single category in that first verse into which I could place celebrity gossip.
As awful as it was to admit, and as bristling as his comment was, my husband was essentially right. If what I'm spending my time thinking about / doing isn't any of those things-- if it doesn't increase God's presence in my life, than what else can it be other than sin?
So, I've admitted my problem. But what do I do about it? As I've already stated -- this is clearly a habit of mine. Habits are not easily broken. There's nothing to do but ...
#3) Pray. This is my prayer for myself. My prayer for all the women out there who have habits similar to mine -- the kind that seem relatively harmless. The ones that don't outwardly affect anything about your day-to-day life. The kind you can sit in the pew on Sunday morning with without an ounce of guilt when it comes time for prayerful confession. For you, it may be the trashy novels you love to curl up with when the kids go to bed and your husband's working late. It may be the sexy soap operas that you look forward to day after day after day. It might be the latest round of reality tv where you can delight in the train-wreck of other people's lives all under the guise of good entertainment. Really -- it seems so innocent. Not hurting anyone... but you. It's hurting your relationship with God. Because, if it doesn't fit under the category of "good, pure," etc., it's not of God. And if it's not of God, at the very least it's doing nothing for your relationship with Him, and is thus a waste of time. At the worst, it's allowing sin to creep into your life.
And so, I pray. I pray that God will give me the strength to break my bad habit. That I will become so fascinated by the things of Him that those are the websites I will type into my phone without realizing it. That if I feel like learning about others, I'll find the lives, witness, wisdom, etc., of great theologians, martyrs, disciples and Jesus himself, interesting enough to read about them several times a day. My ultimate prayer is that if I spend my time thinking about those things, I'll have no time left for the crap my sinful self is drawn towards. And my secret almost unspeakable hope? Is that someday, I won't even want to go there.
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